Good Grief

Usually I'm against those personal blogs. You know, the kind where people talk about their day to day lives. They lament, they rejoice, they do what ever other person online does. I don't know, I feel that people who blog about their lives... I see no accomplishment in it. What exactly is there to achieve, blogging about your life? Is an audience expected, is there some hope that your blog will hit it big with a certain crowd and it'll make you famous?

I've tried different things with my blog. A couple sample formats, just messed around with what I can find. But using my blog as something to write about my life in - well, now I understand. It's therapeutic. God knows I need it. I'm going through immense turmoil myself right now.

My girlfriend of a year and nine months - we broke up Sunday. Funny how it turned out. Both of us were napping... Well, I was for the most part. I love napping with the girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. I was nodding off, opening and closing my eyes... She was sitting there, looking at me, thinking. For a minute there, I thought she was just "admiring" me like I do with her sometimes while she's asleep.

"What're you doing?"
"Thinking..."

She thinks. For awhile. I'm sleeping. Dozing off. Each time my eyes flutter, and I glance up at her, she's "thinking."

"What're you thinking about? Breaking up with me?"

It was a joke. Well, least it was supposed to be - until she slowly nodded her head.

Talk about rude awakening, huh?

We got to talking. It was a mutual thing - I wanted what's best for her, and if she thinks that breaking up is the best thing well... I love her too much. I'm not going to stop her or hinder her. Unfortunately, she did think it was the best think for her. I conceded.

We were close to breaking up several times within my first month in college. Actually, even before. It's college. Distance. I was being a douchebag to my girlfriend as well, and I feel terrible about that... Three time, just within my first several weeks at UCI, the both of us felt that need to break up.

Then, for some reason or other, we were able to patch things up. I changed my douchebaggery ways and the both of us were actually doing really well. That usually happens. Whenever there's a change in lifestyle, the ex-girlfriend and I would go through a month of problems... It takes her that long to adjust to change, usually, and I'll tell you what that month is usually the hardest to get through. But once things get going, everything's all fine and dandy like sour candy.

I was kind of hoping for a repeat of that. I mean, the both of us were doing so well, too. Most especially on my birthday weekend. But let's just say my awesome birthday weekend went to shit real fast...

I guess it's good we ended it on a good note. I'm glad. Had we broken up before, it would have ended up terrible, and neither of us would have wanted to speak to each other again. But we ended it while the both of us were doing really well... while I had a really great weekend (well, not so much anymore)... And I've always told her "Do what you know is best - what you believe it's best. Even if its at my expense - I just want whats best for you."

I honestly cannot tell you why the both of us broke-up in the first place. It's hard for me to explain it, even to myself. The best way I can put it? We broke up because of college. Distance. Religion plays a factor somewhere in there...

I've grieved. Don't know how long this grieving process is going to take. I've spent every night so far looking for a nice, secluded place. And when I suceeded, I just kind of...